moments

 Hi there if you are reading...

How times have passed and it is 2024 already. i was watching the new movie by Lindsay Lohan, movie titled "Our little Secret" and the opening of the movie showed the significant events from 2014 to 2024. the movie starts off with Lindsay lohan broke up with her childhood friend/then boyfriend when he tried to propose over christmas. she was set to move away from her hometown and he is trying to make her stay and from doing what she wants. time flies and its 2024, they each have their new partners and met at a christmas family gathering. appears that her new boyfriend's sister is dating her ex.

The movie related to me in how times have passed and showed how i have moved on from my past. seeing them happily married and i am happy for them.

Last weekend i attended a couple's wedding. they are my university friends and it brought back so much memories even though they were 10 years ago.

Not to mention this blog was frozen in time since 2015 as well.

9 years from 2015 to 2024 and so many things have happened, from the booming china to a china trade war, the songs we listened are now considered retro maybe, the new gens saying sus instead of suspicious, twitter renamed as x, ev cars, solar panels, iphone 15 (and 16), friends from universities gaining weight or getting babies and me still in the singlehood.

to be honest, before attending the wedding i was in so much peace. at peace with my solo life, gratitude about how i can spend my alone time. travelling whenever i wanted to.

The uncomfortable chats i had with my university friends have done something to my heart. the awkward smiles, the shy glances and greetings, the clearing up of misunderstandings and guilts have sent mixed feelings to my bones haha.

Would i say i regret how i acted? i dont think so but it really hit me how immature i was back then. maybe now I still am, but the growing perspective is adding a layer as if an onion growing bigger haha.

Now I'm officially 31 years old. Am i at where i want to be? Am i able to uphold who i want to be or who i used to be? do i really want to be who i used to be? 2 years ago when i thought i have finally found someone i can partner with, after years of singlehood, i was in joy. However it did not suit to what i want. i came to realise my energy frequency is very much different from others. Often, people will wonder and ask me what am i looking for? Is company the right answer? how about values? does it all tie together? Am i thinking tooo much? but when i do not, people around me will in a way let me know the choice i made is not correct.. i was simply following the flow. is it ok to not look back and keep my own pace? 

When i was travelling with my friends, i realised i often walked too fast. and often they just find it tiring to let me know even when ive walked too far ahead and we broke off., they rather not keep up with me. maybe that is how i have behaved. 

The past month is heavy. it is with laughters and tears. a whirlwind of emotions. From a happy trip to 3 funerals and 1 wedding. Ironically its like the combination of the movie of choice that i watched in the cinema. I've watched the last dance and wicked in the same weekend and it has its own roller coaster of emotions. unable to properly think and reflect, i just felt more and more numb, i feel the sadness i feel the laughter, i see the darkness and i see the colourful scenes. but the words that hit me does not hit me as deep. 

maybe that is why my heart and mind feels mixed, an uneasy feeling that wraps around my heart. the desire to be happy and the desire to be sad at the same time. the thought of consoling the somewhat regretful heart that it was all but just a growing phase of me. the fleeting moments in life, the harsh decisions made in life all came to be part of me. and now to acknowledge all of it and to choose to blank out my mind, leave it in the past and to start anew..

with hope of a new injection to life. i would like to ask for blessing to attain bliss.to see more kindness in life. happy birthday to me. :)